yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
