wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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