I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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