he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
