i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
