so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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