Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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