Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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