My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
another moral hangover. fuck.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
