was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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