She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
