Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
