Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
