dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
