I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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