the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
