"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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