you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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