totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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