these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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