He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
