Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
