I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
