im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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