The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This house was built for laser tag.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
