we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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