Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
