Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize