mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
