oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize