smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize