i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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