I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
