im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize