Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
