You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
