So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
