when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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