literally had 100 drinks last night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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