I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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