So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize