i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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