The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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