im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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