hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
