I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
