Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
