one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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