my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I party with great urgency now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
