Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
