I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
