I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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