we're blogging at a bar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
