So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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