Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
