I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
