I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Randomize
