Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
