I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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