I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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