Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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