Need sex. Gaining weight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
