i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize