she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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