I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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