i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
